Plan B

A friend of mine shared these thoughts with me from the blog of another sister in Christ who is going through the fire. As I read her words, they felt like mine so I made them mine...

I am learning a lot lately. God is truly sharpening me, molding me. Sometimes it feels as if He is literally chipping away at my heart. It hurts. Its unwelcome. Its needed.

I am learning many things. I am learning that I have no control over my life, HUGE wake-up call! I am learning what it means to live a spirit-controlled life. I am learning that I can't change who I am...that I must follow my heart. I am learning that I must be real with myself and others, I cannot hide from my circumstance. I am learning that if I tried to bear all of my anxiety, fear and pain that I could not stand to live. I am learning that I can still be in a relationship with God and yet question why He has allowed me to walk this path. I am learning that I am happiest when I am being used by God. I am learning that I have the awesome privilege of being surrounded by amazing people who are so gracious to me, and that God remains the only consistent thing in my life. I am learning that many people I encounter daily don't have the appreciation for life that I have. The appreciation of committing to one person for life and caring for them regardless of circumstance. They just tell me to get over it and move on, but they aren't walking in my shoes. I am learning that no matter how much I try, some people just don't get it. Why I continue to hope against all odds (I guess I don't even get this). They don't get the pain that comes from that. The pain of trying to predict the future and failing miserably, knowing that the situation could lead me down two paths that are polar opposites: restoration or separation (a terrible word that turns my stomach and the knowledge that what I have always hated may be my reality, regardless of my disapproval towards it). I am learning that God is still the same today that He was the day before he allowed me to be torn away from my companion. He is still the same God that I entrusted my life to, the same God I praise.

I am learning that some days I handle my grief with grace and eloquence. Other days I fall apart at the seams. This list could go on and on but I guess my point is that God is changing me, molding me and hopefully one day I can stand on the other side of this and say, "Thank you" and "I understand." I am not there yet. Not even sure how long it will take me to get there but I know that God doesn't expect me to be there. He doesn't expect me to have it all together. That's why I said "I am learning" not that "I have learned."

Some days I do better, some days worse. But isn't that His prayer...that broken people would find Him; seek Him? And yet I think most the time we question Him. It's only natural after all. Someone always has to be at fault, right? So that leaves me asking, "Whose to blame for this? "Is it me? Is it her? Is it God? I ask myself questions every single day. It haunts me. I DON'T KNOW. But I do know that placing the blame on someone else won't bring me lasting joy. It is not my job to defend what I have done and will do. God is my judge, my defender, my all. God has a bigger purpose, a bigger reason. I rest in knowing that this is not Plan B. Plan B to us, yes, but never once was any of this a surprise to Him. He is my God and I trust Him with it all. All the ugly, yucky parts of it. But believe me when I say, I don't have it all together. I don't get up every morning and praise God. I struggle with trusting Him fully. I don't always wake up thankful for the journey I am walking...What I do is get up every morning and ask for the strength to get through the day...in one piece. I ask that He will wipe my tears and hold me close. That even though I can't be all to Him that I should be, that He will carry me. And 5 months later, He is doing just that.

If it is above your head, it is below His feet!